Here's a poser. This involves a few LTRs in my life: my bf, my ex, and my son. My bf and I live directly across the street from my son's school. Son has been having difficulties in his afterschool program lately, and one thing that exacerbates the problems is the fact that I can't pick him up until at least 5:15 every day. By that time, he hasn't eaten (no snacks that he likes offered at afterschool and he's not allowed to bring in his own), is tired & hungry & acting like kind of a jerk. On his days, ex picks up son at about 4:30. Those 45 minutes, it turns out, are fairly crucial to how well son is feeling/acting. Ex has offered to pick up son at 4:30, then hang out at my and bf's house until we get home. This is a bit . . . unsettling. I'm not sure WHY, exactly, and it's probably not rational. I don't think ex would go rifling through our stuff (or be overly excited by anything he'd find), but there's something territorial in me that makes the idea a bit disturbing. BF feels the same way, but agrees that if it's the best thing to do for my son, he'd set aside his ick feelings and let the ex hang here with my son. I have to say, my bf is awesome - I wouldn't deal nearly as well as he does if it were his ex-girlfriend this enmeshed in our lives. The thing is, ex and I co-parent our children pretty well, and we really want to do things cooperatively and in our ' best interests. This would be cooperate and in our kid's best interests, but it seems a little . . . too much. Your thoughts?

not that big of a deal Are you that territorial about your house? Why is this so weird? Your son would be hanging out with his father for 45 minutes, whats so strange about that?

I guess I kind of am. And yeah, that surprises me, too. Honestly, I don't think that I have a really good reason to object - it's just a general feeling of unease about it. Mine and my bf's. So, I'll probably focus on it as a rational solution to the situation and at least give it a try. But it is interesting to read other people's takes on it: everything from "oh hell no" to "sure, why not?"

you've got 10 more years of co-parenting might as well figure out how to be comfortable friends now. I guess my perspective is different, I have an insane amount of friends who co-parent, doesn't say much about my generation. My best friend watches her husbands ex-wifes children every day after school, not really that big of a deal. You do what you have to do! My other friend spends 2 nights a week at his exes house so that she can work (he lives too far away to take child to school in the morning). You make sacrifices for your child and at the end of the day you do whats best for them. I'm sticking with my original sentiment "GET OVER IT!"

If I were your BF, I wouldn't like it. He is encroaching on my territory, and he knows it, and he is doing it on purpose. It's a direct and deliberate insult. If you value your BF that much, you will tell your ex to stop it, and change the locks if he has a key.

given my talent for oversimplification... ...this is *way* too much. The ex is an ex for a reason and I think your instincts are dead on. It's your home, your life, your BF and your son. I can understand why you wouldn't want ex in it.

sounds like you all are working together very well on the common goal ie: your son - good job! just keep in mind your son will soon be old enough to go home and hang out on his own

Thank you, and yes, pretty soon he'll be able to come home directly after school on his own. But not this year. Interesting that I've gotten COMPLETELY different responses - there is often a general consensus on this board! Hmmmmmm.

Has your BF said anything about it? I can see where you and your ex would be ok with it for your son's sake. There are some unknowns here. Is your ex jealous of your BF? Vice-versa? In other words, is this a pissing contest? Or not? Do you know for sure?

Ex used to be a real jerk toward bf, but lately has mellowed considerably. BF doesn't like ex, because he thinks he's a big jerk, but he's willing to go along with this plan, if that's what I want.

He's a better man than I would be. I wouldn't like it one bit, and I'd say so.

you could suggest they go to the Y or or somewhere similar and play basketball or something until you get home if it is just too weird to have him at your house and that would be weird - your boyfriend is a saint!

x. Sorry I left out that detail. He's x, loves his dad, would probably like this solution. The only thing that is standing in the way is the general feeling that I don't really WANT my ex sitting around my house for x minutes every day. Is that a good enough reason NOT to do it? Probably not.

just my opinion I think you're being ridiculous! You said your son is missing out on an afternoon snack which is causing his grumpiness. So you are overimagining what equates to your ex sitting at the kitchen table conversing and eating a snack with your son. I say get over it!

I'd think a x year old would be old enough to spend x minutes or so alone at home....or no? And I wouldn't want/let an ex hang out at my home when I wasn't there.

Here' the problem with that: once he goes to afterschool, he can't sign himself out. So he either comes home straight after school and hangs out alone the entire time, or he goes to afterschool until someone comes and gets him. I agree he'd be ok with x minutes alone, but not x-x hours alone. He would get spooked and, me overprotective, but I think x is a bit young for that anyway.

ah. I agree that x-x hours is too long. What's his problem with the snacks they provide at the school?

um...why not do both Can't the ex sign him out then drop him off at the house for the xminutes?

Doh! We never even thought of that! That does make perfect sense, although frankly I'm not sure son will go for it. If he sees his dad, he's going to want to hang out with him. And if dad's there, dad will make sure son doesn't just log onto the computer or turn on the TV until I get home. Moreover, son is easily spooked and, as it will soon be dark by x pm here, I honestly don't think he'd want to be alone in the house when it's dark out. But - it may work. I'll mention that to ex.

don't know the logistics Could the ex take him to his house and you or the bf swing by on your way home or have the ex run him back out after you guys get home from work? I'm not sure how far apart you live from each other, so it might not make a lot of sense running around like that. Yet another option could be if a neighbor could kind of keep an eye on him for those xmin?

The boy is too young to be home alone.

not right after school --not at meal times, that is

No, it may be a good enough reason. A lot depends on the dynamics between you, your ex, and your BF. The fact that you don't like it counts. Your reasons may be better than you are giving them credit for. Does your ex tend to be pushy?

I would not suggest leaving the boy alone. He's too young now. But can ex take him somewhere else to wait x minutes? Is staying at your house really necessary?

Good idea. ^^^

Trial run If all parties think it is a net plus for your son why not try to give it a try for a month. What's the harm? Do you really have a reason to think he's going to be rooting through your drawers?

I think you are doing what you have to to give your child as much a normal life as you can. Yes, it would be wierd but you should feel proud. If a stupid after school program cant understand that your child needs a snack like all children do, and that he has been sitting in school all day, and is a boy that needs to expend energy then you need to find a different ASP or go in and raise some hell! My skids teach wouldnt let my skid combine snacks. I would send an apple with jerky or crackers and the teach would scold him for having x snacks?? No, its what you a balanced snack, I stomped my feet and was logical and won it. Good luck!

you bred with him, let him get the kid and hang.

Yeah, I'm leaning that way. I'd prefer they "hang" somewhere that isn't my new home, but I think I can get over it. Hell, ex has been all over the house anyway - we gave him a full tour when we moved in.